For the past few days, Nolan has been especially difficult to get to sleep.  He is sleepy but he stands in his crib and sobs, cries, screams, gasps.  It sounds like he is about to make himself sick.  That is what he is doing right now.  It makes me so sad.  Why won’t he just go to sleep?  He is so tired.  I can’t do anything for him.  I have tried nursing him, rocking him, cuddling him.  No help.  And it doesn’t help that he doesn’t have a soothing method like most kids (i.e. passie, blankie, etc).  I wish he did.  Life would not be so sad right at this moment.  I just sit here and think about how he is thinking that I don’t love him and that I don’t want to come and help him.  It’s so rough to be a baby.  And a mommy at times.

Well, the end has come.  I have 2 more days till I go back to work full time on Wed.  I feel very blessed to have had 10 1/2 weeks with Nolan and Mike at home.  Its weird how you get used to living one way and you forget about your old life.  It doesn’t even feel like I work at the hospital anymore!  I hope I remember how to do my job!  Although I wish I could stay home for good, I know that Wed. is inevitable.  So I am kinda looking forward to getting it over with and getting back into the routine of things.  I’m very blessed to have great co-workers and a good job environment.  It’ll be nice to work with the patients again as well.  I just want to make the most out of these last two days.  You guys can pray for our adjustment time.

So I realized today that because of the way my pay schedule is, I am receiving two weeks of pay I did not know about. Therefore that allows me to stay at home 2 more weeks! Praise God for all of that. I have really been enjoying my time, being purposeful and all. I have been exercising daily, reading the Bible, keeping the house straight, spending time with Nolan, reading to him and cuddling, and we’ve had some people to dinner. Oh, and I did some shopping. This has become life and its hard to imagine going back to work. I visited the hospital the other day and it barely seemed like I work there! I think it will be quite chaotic at first, with scheduling feedings and Mike being able to get some work done and all. But this is where God has us and I know that that is not without purpose. I know I will adjust back, with His help. I just praise Him that I am getting a whole 11 weeks out with my son.

I can’t believe 3 weeks of my maternity leave have already passed!  It is going by really fast.  I am enjoying it so much.  I love spending time with Nolan but he still sleeps alot.  That has given me some time to myself, which is nice.  The past two days I have laid out in the sun and read.  So relaxing!  And now that I am healing up, I have been able to get out and walk Sawyer.  And I mowed the grass yesterday.  That felt really good as well.  I am used to being active and going alot.  Having to recuperate was confining and difficult for me.  So praise the Lord that I am able to get going again!

One thing I want to do though is take advantage of my time right now and be in the Word more.  I have a tendency to put that off until I don’t have any time left in the day.  I have been praying more, especially at times when I am feeding Nolan or out walking.  But there is room for more.  I really want to take advantage of this time.  So please pray for me.

Love you all!

So ok, I’m back.  I have been trying to put into words what it is like to be a new mom.  Its kinda hard to just take it all in.  I guess one thing to say is that its fun.  I have so enjoyed time with Nolan and taking care of him in the last week.  He has so many cute faces and noises.  I can probably say that its fun because he has been an easy baby so far.  We’ve only had one night when we didn’t know how to help him as parents.  Another aspect that makes it fun is just how excited people are about him and for us.  I have loved all of the phone calls and visits and emails.  Its just a fun time in our lives.  Thanks for joining us!

I did realize something about myself this past week.  I don’t like not feeling well, not being myself.  I guess that goes for most people!  But I find that when people ask how I am doing, I want to lie and tell them that I am good.  Tuesday I had a really hard day.  I didn’t feel well and I was very emotional and stressed.  I had to consciously make an effort to share that with people and ask them to pray for me.  I felt weak (emotionally) and vulnerable.  Its good that God does that to me from time to time.  If not, I believe the lie that I have got my stuff together and I don’t need people or even God.  So I will work harder to be honest with myself and people.

I am doing well now, for the record!  And I’m not lying about that!

I realize that I have become a complainer lately.  I don’t like that.  I like to be tough.  When I complain about all the aches and pains that come with this third trimester I feel like a sissy.  I guess I do it because I want people to know how I feel or what I am going through.  But that doesn’t make me feel any less like a baby.  And I think the biggest thing for myself is if I focus on all of my complaints then it makes me feel bad.  But if I try to ignore them and go on with life, not letting them get the best of me, then I feel happier.  I realize that it is much better for me to come home after a hard day of work and go for a walk than to think about how I am feeling. 

But all this does give me such an appreciation for people who deal with chronic pain.  This is the first time in my life that I have dealt with something that you can’t do much about.  Praise the Lord, its only temporary.  I can definitely see though how all-consuming it can be for some, leading into depression and such.  I praise God that He can be my focus and get me through the trials of life and that all things in life He can use for building my character.